Free Falling

I am obsessed with freedom. I'm always chasing it; I'm miserable when I don't have it. I forget that it's what I want more than anything in the world, because it is the deepest current that flows through me. It's such a part of me that I forget to acknowledge it.

I need freedom because I am an obligated person. I greatly feel the need to live up to my word. I commit to things and will kill myself to live up to the commitment, because my parents taught me the importance of doing what you say you'll do. I continue to believe in this importance, but oftentimes my chains are of my own fashioning. I feel this incredible obligation to succeed, to work my hardest, to "move ahead"--the fact that the actual meaning behind these words is worth rethinking is besides the momentary point--but to whom do I owe these things? Everyone important in my life wants nothing more than my happiness and wholeness. I am the culprit. This pressure is coming from an internal source. And it's why I need freedom. So that I can see the options and choose where to place my obliging nature. There is no use in me struggling through for the sake of proving to myself that I can.

I don't think that I can necessarily manufacture this freedom. I understand that life sometimes brings you places that suffocate and there is no way out. Freedom is a gift, and a state of mind. And even that is not something I alone can create. I think it's truly the will of God: It is for freedom I have set you free.

I am going to write again, because it is freeing. And because I'm a Jesus-loving, Loma hipster. No shame.

My 27 Things

If you've read this blog, you know: I did a big thing this fall. I packed my bags and headed to Europe for three months, with nary a hint at any sort of itinerary. Needless to say, the time I spent experiencing culture, meeting new people, and reuniting with old friends was more than well spent. 

In Rotterdam, my spontaneous and quirky friend Gemmeke showed me the door of her bedroom. On it, she had posted her “list.” Eighty-four things, written in permanent marker on a huge sheet of orange construction paper, she wanted to do in life--some ambitious, some simple, and some crazy. She already had a few things crossed off and was committed to completing every single activity.

I liked the idea.

A few weeks later, I was sitting alone in the Piazza Santa Croce. It was time to write my own list. I’m sharing it here not only because many of the things are related to my musical career, but also as a reminder. Figure out what you love: however small, however outlandish, or however unrealistic. And do it. 

1. Design and publish my website 
2. Sing on a busy street corner
3. Sing the role of Charlotte from Massenet’s Werther
4. Learn to speak Italian, French, and German fluently in the next 10 years
5. Become a certified yoga instructor
6. Live in Italy...
7. ...and eat a different baked good every day
8. Record a pop album
9. Catalogue my mother’s recipes and share them with the world
10. Write something worth reading
11. Go to Russia
12. Travel to every continent! (Perhaps not Antarctica) 
13. Acquire a library
14. Spend an allotted amount of time in solitude
15. Be baptized in the Jordan river
16. Memorize something meaningful
17. Read Goethe’s “The Sorrows of Young Werther” in the original German
18. Run a half marathon
19. Run a full marathon
20. Get in to Yale
21. Practice an hour a day, every day
22. Sponsor a child
23. Actually become proficient at piano
24. Dance more
25. Own real estate in Southern California

Some actual travel stuff

Sorry guys, I've been getting a little sentimental on ya'll lately and forgetting the real reason this blog exists: to document my travels. 

A few months ago, I asked the world of Facebook what was up with all the blogging going on lately. I loved the response of my friend Matthew Johnson:

"what's with all the "meaning in the mundane" blogs I've been subjected to recently? you know, people who find God in the steam rising out of their coffee or who restate some point of humanitarian or christian dogma by way of a metaphor about the mexican lady that empties their trash at work. we get it: you're sensitive! you're perceptive! now show us more pictures of your christmas decorations."

I'm sorry Matthew! I am guilty of this very thing. 

So here's a picture of the opera house I sang in this past weekend: 

I sang in the Metropolitan Opera National Council auditions at The Ellie Caulkins Opera House in Denver. I didn't win anything, but what a great experience, to sing in there.

Other things I've done since arriving in Colorado:

My audition at the University of Colorado-Boulder, of course. The whole reason I'm here in the first place. I like Boulder, I liked the school, I think I sang well. Who knows. All I know is singers are the same no matter where you go. And we ask each other the same questions in every city, in every country: "What voice type are you?" "What are you singing today?" "Which roles have you performed?" 

Some common answers include: "Oh, I'm a light lyric mezzo-soprano, but I'm thinking I might have a place in bel canto...so maybe a Rossini coloratura mezzo. Or I could just totally move up and become a dramatic soprano. Yeah, that'll probably happen someday." "Well I'm singing this piece by Edward Hitchmann Jr. Yeah, you've probably never heard of him but his music just SPEAKS to me. I'm kind of worried though because the music's really difficult...the pianist better get it right."

I digress. 

OH yes, I visited my lovely friend Andie in Grand Junction, Colorado. Those of us familiar with the city simply refer to it as "The Junction..." or maybe that's just me.

The Junction's a typical, tiny Colorado town with one main strip of shops...and that's about it. We stumbled upon an amazing Indian buffet for lunch as we perused this strip. And then we went to taste some beer! Because that's really all there is to do.

Ditto Fort Collins. 

I have no amusing stories about the rest of my time in Colorado, but it is very beautiful here. Of course I ended up at home with Christian and his family where we eat like kings. Yesterday, we had two different kinds of homemade ice cream: one after lunch and one after dinner. I love it here. 

AND TOMORROW is the day we head to Denton, Texas. I say we because I'm blessed enough to have my good friend Christian Sanders accompanying me on this trip, as we both have auditions at the University of North Texas on Friday. I really have no idea what to expect but I'm pretty confident that I will again find myself to be the token east-coaster. I embrace it. 

Back to Basics

Okay, maybe I'm not good with commitments. Remember the ones I made on December 31st when I was just starting my cross-country journey?

1. Every day that I drive, I will stop and take a picture...well nope, haven't done that.
2. And post that picture on my blog...I've only written one blog since I've been out here. Which about equals the number of pictures I've taken.
3. Everyday that I have a long drive, I'm going to get up and run...that ended before it began.

This is what I HAVE done:
1. Started training for a half marathon. Already ran 2.5 miles today, baby!
2. Studied my German...for an hour...3 whole days in a row!
3. Begun cooking. I mean, I can't cook like your mother yet but now I know how to make homemade popcorn, whole wheat chocolate chip cookies, and roasted veggies. And I have attempted chicken, mahi-mahi, and the ever elusive brown rice. Overcooked chicken with a side of undercooked rice, anyone? I ate it.
4. Read every morning. Something edifying, in fact. And I've been learning things!

You know how they say that if you want to lose weight, or start eating less or healthier or whatever, all those fad diets might fix the problem temporarily, but then they're ultimately going to fail? And eventually you're going to gain back all the weight or fall back in to all of your old patterns, because the goal that you have in mind--"to lose weight"--is not sustaining, or satisfying. Soon enough, the reason for not eating that cookie is going to be forgotten in the midst of other life stressors and you're going to cave.

The proverbial "they" DO advise that if you want to make a change and be a better you (when it comes to dietary health) you need teach your body that it wants the good things. No restrictions or high-reaching goals necessary. No guilt for eating that cookie.

When we fail in our obligations, even those self-inflicted, we tend to respond with feelings of shame. But it doesn't work for dieting and honestly, I don't think it works for life.

Goals are important to me, but sometimes the goals I set for myself are a bit too restricting or specific, and the fact that I'm not fulfilling them (because let's face it, sometimes they're dull and not worth getting out of bed for) weighs me down. And I hate myself and I hate my goals and I hate my life.

In traveling, you get down time. You eventually figure out what to do with that down time and it might not be the most "productive" thing you could think of. But that doesn't mean it's not worth doing. Or that you're not becoming a better person or living a happier life because you're doing it.

I like what Aldous Huxley said: “Your true traveler finds boredom rather agreeable than painful. It is the symbol of his liberty-his excessive freedom. He accepts his boredom, when it comes, not merely philosophically, but almost with pleasure.”

Come back from California

The journey east begins today. I'm leaving the Golden Land, my blessed San Diego. I did not realize how much I loved it until I left it and came back. And now I have to leave it again! But it is my home: it calls to me. I will be back.

But not before I travel the country. First stop: Pasadena. Then on to Grand Junction and Boulder and Northern Texas and Kansas and Chicago. Busy, busy. I'm so excited. So many good friends and cool places.

But for real, look at that view. How could I not be missing a little San Diego along the way?