The Insomnia Diaries: Part 1

I learned a long time ago that in the face of sleeplessness, the best medicine is a pair of welcoming arms.

I've suffered from insomnia off and on over the past few years. I don't think I slept the summer of 2012. At all. It's gotten much better since then (because heavens knows I tried every technique in the book to get to sleep that summer), but my old friend stops by for a visit once in a while. I can feel his approach too; it's curiously similar to that steady throb that develops a few hours before you're about to reunite with someone...special. Who you haven't seen in a while. 

It's not like it's any surprise either. As soon as I feel an insomniac attach coming on I can immediately trace it back to a short list of sources, all self-inflicted:

1. Sugar. 

You know how sugar makes those 5 year olds you babysit bounce off the walls? Yeah, that's me. Especially when I've been particularly noble for a few weeks running, and have barely let a molecule of it pass my lips. And then - BOOM - Cheesecake Factory for dinner. Or M&M's from a cast member at a show. Yep. It's all downhill from there.    

2. The knowledge that I have to get up early. 

I usually work evenings, which means I have nice, lazy mornings. So when I actually have to be up at a certain time, even if that time is 10 am, my brain immediately freaks out. Getting up at a certain time means I have to fall asleep by a certain time to get my 8 hours in! That's just way too much pressure. Panic ensues. Sleep does not. 

3. And just those normal what-is-the-meaning-of-life worries that arise every now and again.

Because, obviously.  

For those of you that also struggle with insomnia, I want to offer you my solidarity as a fellow-sufferer.

Know that insomnia is not the end of the world. You can live a good life, even with insomnia. Here are some of my methods for actually enjoying insomnia when it comes your way; try 'em out!: 

1. Eat a large bowl of cereal.

Just do it. Your body wants it. Gluten, dairy, who cares. Doesn't count when you can't sleep. Cheerios never tasted so good.

2. Watch Downton Abbey.

You say you're too busy for cult-inducing British dramas? Well here's your chance to catch up. Cheerios + BBC = Perfection.

3. Blog.

Duh. 

4. Perform any number of tasks for which your everyday life affords no time.

Pluck your eyebrows, give yourself a manicure, try on all your shoes, clean out your sock drawer, plan your next trip to Paris, rehearse Brad Pitt's Fight Club monologue in the mirror, make tacos, write a letter to your bestie. Whatever you want; it's fun!


5. Meditate.

Breathe deeply. It's very good for you, promise. It's good for your heart and your immune system and your lungs. And--little secret--incorporating just a few minutes of meditation into your day might actually help prevent insomnia from even happening in the first place.  

Do NOT:

1. Facebook stalk your exes. Or your childhood nemesis. Or anyone. Don't Facebook stalk anyone. Feelings of inadequacy, fear of missing out, and insomnia do not mix.


2. Continue to lie in bed thinking, "Must sleep now. Will ignore insomnia, and it will go away. Big meeting. So tired. Must. Sleep. Now." Obviously your body has other plans, so get over it. You're never going to fall asleep that way.

Those are really the only two rules.


So now, I release you! Go do something awesome with this special time to yourself. I've already finished my cereal and my blog post, so I'm gonna try that sleep thing again. Until the next bought of insomnia hits, this has been The Insomnia Diaries. 

Perfect

I’m going to write this and maybe you’re not going to agree; maybe you'll think I'm crazy.

I’m giving up on self-improvement.

My whole (long, 24 year old life) has been about self-improvement.

And the result is a deep feeling of inadequacy, always lurking, haunting my every achievement and my every failure.

Maybe I’ve just misinterpreted all the messages. Maybe I’m misinterpreting messages now. Maybe I need to keep praying that prayer I’ve been praying since I can remember: “Dear Lord, I am so unworthy of your love. Please, heal my depraved soul; it is only through you that I am made whole. Wipe me clean of my horrendous iniquity.”

What horrendous iniquity? The iniquity of eating too much chocolate and not being the skinniest girl in yoga class? The iniquity of watching YouTube videos of cats instead of memorizing my next role? The iniquity of spending my money on a daily cup of coffee? The iniquity of not daily, actively seeking Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior? The iniquity of choosing a career that doesn’t directly feed the hungry or clothe the poor or save lives? The iniquity of discovering my bliss and doing that?

What if God created me perfect and the iniquity was only mine because that’s what I chose to create from what he gave me?

I will eat the chocolate; I will not be the skinniest. I am perfect.

I will watch YouTubes of cats and then I will pour my attention into my art when it needs me and my perfect self will learn the perfect process of my perfect art and it will just get more and more perfect.

I will have my coffee and be a local at my favorite coffee shop with my favorite hipsters and flirt with the kitchen manager and revel as often as possible in the joyful perfection that $1.90 can buy.

I will always remember my faith as a perfect pillar in my life journey, whatever it looks like now, whoever Jesus is to me now. And he will be perfectly who he should be to me yesterday, today and tomorrow.

I will pursue my perfect, self-tailored passion that doesn’t feed the hungry or clothe the poor. But maybe saves lives. Or moves them, or touches them. My song is a perfect gift and I will sing it perfectly, every chance I get. And every day, I will discover the bliss and the calling and the perfection of it all, wrapped up in my little, created self.

And by believing in my own perfection, maybe the world will see and believe too and there will be that much less darkness and fear because I am illuminated and brave and perfect.